I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
