I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
