Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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