We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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