so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
