Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
