is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
