I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
