soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
