Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
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