so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
