Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
