you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
