need another drink. this is the easiest way
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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