Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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