I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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