Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
