Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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