I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
