So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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