Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
