dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Bring me that man meat
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
