i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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