i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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