That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
