Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
