Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
