He uses pillows to masturbate.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
