sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
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She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
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I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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