If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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