i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
