WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
