He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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