Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
