When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
