last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
