I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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