dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
