I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
