I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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