I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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