Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
