Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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