i can't believe i had my finger in that
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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