Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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