I faked an abortion last night.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
40s are totally the cure
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
