You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
