dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
