Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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