someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
