I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
