You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
