he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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