My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
