That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
