remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
