I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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